So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
