she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
