you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
