thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
