i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
