i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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