hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
