he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize