I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
