happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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