i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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