never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just invented taco cereal.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
