Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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