she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
