When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
