running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
This baby is an asshole
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
