Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
