I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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