found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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