Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
