normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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