Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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