Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
