True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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