I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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