Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
