actually, I'm a sock model
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
