I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
