Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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