Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
