and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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