craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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