Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize