Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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