I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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