Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I am mentally ready for anal.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
