you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
