The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
