I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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