i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
