I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
