me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
