I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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