He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
