dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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