so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
