i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
