I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
