you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
