Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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