Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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