Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
