Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
