that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
