i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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