That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize