my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I don't deserve a penis
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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