Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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