Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
