Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
