Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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