sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
