Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
