My room smells like vodka and shame
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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