Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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