Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
