I got chris browned last night
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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