Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
