my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
